I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
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I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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