Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
