I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
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Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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