Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
