Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
third nipple confirmed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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