Ambien. No doubt about it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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