K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
