Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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