Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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