i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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