For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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