I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
