please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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