just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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