So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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