I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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