No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
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Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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