I'm so fucking centered right now
Nicole vs. Life
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
