dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
