He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
