I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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