Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
