i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
