I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
