I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
