I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
