just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
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Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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