So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
