The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
