Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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