I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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