Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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