I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
