Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
