my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
