dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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