I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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