The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
