The maid of honor just puked.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
