This is not my ceiling
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
