I wish they made helmets for livers.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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