1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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