I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
