your parents love me but you hate me
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
