i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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