My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
