Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
