I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
