i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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