I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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