I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
