it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
