Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
