did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
