Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
